Dealing with Loss and Celebrating Their Rainbow After the Storm
Finding out you are pregnant for most couples is a very exciting time. It brings forth celebration and joy. For some that joy doesn’t last long. Unfortunately, 15-20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and we are often left confused, numb and sometimes angry.
I know this roller coaster of emotions all too well. I remember blaming myself and wondering what was it that I did wrong to cause this. You see, 15 years ago this topic wasn’t talked about much at all. Through it all, I do remember my husband being there for me 100%. Consoling me, comforting me, ensuring I would be ok. To be completely honest; I don’t remember asking him if he was ok, or comforting him in anyway. Let’s keep it real, men are known for their strength. It’s not often we hear a man speaking of their mental health, feelings or even cry. This is such a misconception. We are all human, we all feel, we all desire support of some sort. While it may have been difficult for myself to comfort my husband in this time, friends and family did not either. It’s important that we understand that joy was taken from both mother and father. Let’s check on each other a bit more and if dad wants to talk… let’s be that safe place for him to speak.
So, I asked a few dads what was their experience. I am truly surprised they were open to share but also equally grateful. I wanted to know what were their thoughts and how they coped. Most really wanted to ensure their wife was ok, but deep down they were torn apart inside. Torn apart with no real outlet. Left speechless… until now. Let’s see what the dads had to say.
Double For Your Trouble
God honored my words and I am forever grateful. My wife and I finally found the courage to share our testimony. It was New Year's Eve 2015. We were attending our church's New Year's Eve Service and our pastor had asked us to share our story. He called us up and I was so proud of my wife for sharing!!! She then passed me the mic and I remember speaking by faith and with authority that "... by this time next year, I'll be changing stinky diapers. Long story short, God honored our words. Our journey was a challenging one that we do not mind sharing. As a matter of fact my wife and I both are working on putting our perspectives in book form so that we can share our story with the world. As I'm sitting here writing this piece, I'm thinking that in just a few days we will celebrate the 4th birthday of our little Gabriella who is in heaven. She was our 5th loss. Every day I look at my son and my daughter and thank God for his faithfulness. I celebrate; however, I do not minimize the fact that there were times I wanted to curse God. I recall suppressing my own pain in an attempt to "be strong" for my wife. I remember sitting in church as the executive pastor simply wanting to go home. I remember seeing mothers with babies enter our church only for me to turn and go in another direction. It was a challenge; however, I remember the words of my pastor's wife. She challenged me to "NOT CHARGE GOD FOOLISHLY!" Since the photoshoot I have recommitted to complete my book which will be intentionally honest, transparent, encouraging and empowering! I am forever grateful to meet other African American couples with similar stories. We prepared for one baby and God gave us two!!! He indeed gave us double!!! - Titus Hopper
“I truly believe God will not put more on you than you can bare. When my wife miscarried, she was my main concern. I wanted to take care of her and protect her. This experience made me cherish life and my family more. Nothing in life is guaranteed and because of that I will love on my family while I can as much as I can.” - David Hart
After The Rain
There was a time when I never thought I could feel hopeful again. 9/11/2014 will be a date I will never forget. My Queen and I were given the best and worst news of our lives within a 20 minute span. “You’re pregnant!” Was the diagnostic after we had checked into the ER as a result of some intense abdomen pains. We looked at each other in somewhat of bewilderment because this completely took us by surprise. Nevertheless, I was flooded with joyful emotions.
You must understand this about me, all I ever desired to be in life were two things: 1. A great King to a Queen and 2. A great father. So you could only imagine how rapidly my heart was overwhelmed by this news.
In the short midst of my elated emotions, the doctor entered the room with the most devastating news I have ever heard. Our unborn seed was met with complication that lead to an ectopic pregnancy. At the time, ectopic pregnancy was an alien concept in my vocabulary, but I could tell by the doctors tone it wasn’t something to celebrate. So on 9/11/2014, we were given the news that our first birth journey was a miscarriage. I must be honest because I am not sure who this message will reach, but in that moment, as a man of faith, I questioned every ounce of my God concept. It was to the point that I wrestled to defeat in my belief. That’s when I never thought I could feel hopeful again.
One of the greatest visible mysterious is the concept of a rainbow. A transparent, aligned burst of colors in the sky still takes my breath away by the way it suspends itself in the sky after it rains. On 10/16/2017, my rain was replaced with my rainbow. The first time I held my Rainbow Princess against my chest, she reached up and gently placed her hand on my heart. In that moment every pain, hurt, heartache, and disappoint was made whole. Jazzlyn Arielle Gardner is not only my Rainbow baby but the healer of my once broken spirit. - Jason Van Gardner
In God’s Timing
It was hard to show emotions because of how I knew it would make my wife feel. I have a son and I knew she wanted a baby. To be so close then to lose the baby was really a big blow.
We have been together for years and after awhile with out getting pregnant, so I wasn’t sure if we could even get pregnant. Through it all, our family and friends were there for us. To support and help us through the loss. I will say, I wish I could have been there for my wife more mentally.
When Aeryn was finally born it was a sigh of relief, even with mom having a few things come up with her she delivered a healthy beautiful baby girl.
My advice is to men who experience this is to be open about your feelings whatever they may be. Be supportive because it will be some days where mom is not feeling it and that’s when you’re needed the most! Things will happen exactly the way they are supposed to. All in God’s timing. - Tyreece Williams
To weather the disaster and devastation of a storm, gives you the strength and clarity to cherish the sun. - Elliot Hansen